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Once I painted a girl in the nude and I almost froze to death.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

For lent I'm just giving up.

I hate when people ask what I hope to be doing in 5 years time

I mean come on, I don't have 2020 vision

I was taught by a cross eyed teacher. She couldn't control her pupils.

Her fingers played all over his body until she found what she needed and gently eased it in. At last, she'd finished her Tom Jones jigsaw!

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

I've decided I want to start a career in Mirror Cleaning, it's just something I can see myself doing.

I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself.'

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up.”

Finally,I am able to disclose that Wilson Tarquin is to be the official UK entrant in this years Eurovision Joke Contest.

He must be in with an outstanding chance of winning the trophy.

Q. How much does shampoo cost in South London?
A. Pantene

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler

I wonder if it hurts to crack a joke ?

A friend of mine swallowed some glue by mistake the other day and he's been stuck up ever since.

She bent over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom hard!' she cried. But it was no good, I just couldn't get my sponge cake out of the tin.

She twirled round the pole before falling onto his lap and bumping up and down wildly. It isn't easy travelling on the tube when you're 86.

I went to my doctor. He said 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
I said 'Why?'  He said, 'I don't  like my neighbours'.

I saw Paddy looking directly at the solar eclipse.

"Didn't you read any of the warnings?" I said, "You could go blind looking at the sun like that!"

"I'm not that stupid," he replied, squinting. "I'm looking at the moon."

I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed a [***]!